Pass Go . Collect Confusion.

When I was on the plane to this part of the world, I thought of a very, not so unique question.

What the hell am I doing?

When I was on the bus watching the energetic scenery of Hong Kong come into view, I expected to feel my usual lunchbox of emotions inside a usual boyish grin: excitement, energy, joy. I instead got a very, not so unique question.

What the hell am I doing?

I’m not homesick. I’m not regretful, and I clearly don’t want to be back where I was in China. But there’s something rolling around in my mind that’s keeping me restless, and I don’t know it is.

I feel nervous. I feel confused. And I feel like I shouldn’t be feeling these feelings.

I simply don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

I sort of had this issue last year when I couldn’t decide what to do with my life. Should I apply for grad school, keep trying to find a job, do something else? Now I’m running into the same roadblock. This should be easy for me. Find something I have some interest in, and go do it. If it doesn’t work, or I find I don’t like it, know that it was a learning process and move on. That’s life and that’s how we learn. I’m 23 and I’m young and I have time. And even if I’m old it doesn’t make a difference.

Physically I have a vision problem. I have trouble focusing on objects that are close to me. For some reason, I feel like this problem extends to my mental thinking. I focus on the future. And when some small roadblock all of a sudden pops in front of me I trip because I don’t see it coming and have no idea how to deal with it. But I will learn. I need to learn. I’m tired of being shocked like this.

What the hell am I doing?

I don’t know. But I will have the courage to charge ahead, learning on the way. I’ve got to.