Hooray for more shocks!
One of my good friends today told me he didn't believe I was Christian.
I can't say I didn't expect it, but I will say I didn't expect the thoughts and feelings that came with it.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Pass Go . Collect Confusion.
When I was on the plane to this part of the world, I thought of a very, not so unique question.
What the hell am I doing?
When I was on the bus watching the energetic scenery of
What the hell am I doing?
I’m not homesick. I’m not regretful, and I clearly don’t want to be back where I was in
I feel nervous. I feel confused. And I feel like I shouldn’t be feeling these feelings.
I simply don’t know what the hell I’m doing.
I sort of had this issue last year when I couldn’t decide what to do with my life. Should I apply for grad school, keep trying to find a job, do something else? Now I’m running into the same roadblock. This should be easy for me. Find something I have some interest in, and go do it. If it doesn’t work, or I find I don’t like it, know that it was a learning process and move on. That’s life and that’s how we learn. I’m 23 and I’m young and I have time. And even if I’m old it doesn’t make a difference.
Physically I have a vision problem. I have trouble focusing on objects that are close to me. For some reason, I feel like this problem extends to my mental thinking. I focus on the future. And when some small roadblock all of a sudden pops in front of me I trip because I don’t see it coming and have no idea how to deal with it. But I will learn. I need to learn. I’m tired of being shocked like this.
What the hell am I doing?
I don’t know. But I will have the courage to charge ahead, learning on the way. I’ve got to.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Midnight Burn
I was beginning to think the day would never come. But like every good and faithful calendar day, it eventually does.
Of course, I speak of my last day of teaching: tomorrow. It'll be a chill day, filled without an attempt to run any semblance of a class, after all it is the last day of school. The last thing students will want to do is actually have class. I remember the feeling myself when I was their age. So it should be a fun filled day of games, songs, and for those classes who still are apathetic beyond belief, well, self study. I've decided self-study solves all problems.
And then after that, I'll be out of here. It's funny to think that in two days, I'll most likely set my eyes on this town for the absolute last time. Bar any sudden riches, or an absolute void of activities in my life, I really won't be coming back. I don't live in a beautiful town, there's nothing noteworthy to see here, but most importantly, I don't know anyone here. I've met a couple locals, but our friendship is so shallow and our "guanxi" non existent both parties know that at this stage, I won't be back.
I think it's pretty well understood that I haven't exactly embraced my experience here, and won't be spewing praises of it in the future. It was a good experience. I'm glad I came. It was tough, rough, a practice in learning to live in a rural area, and all the strife and joy that can come with being a teacher. Living on the inside of China as a whole, was an eye opening experience. But you don't need to have your eyes opened more than once.
That's the best way I can put it.
And now I need to turn my eyes ahead of me. I don't know what Hong Kong holds for me. I may be writing a Kung Fu script. I may be a teacher again. I may become a journalist.
Who knows. I definitely don't.
On a separate note, I've been thinking about how my voice for this blog is more subdued, more thoughtful. When I write facebook notes, xanga entries, or charged "editorials" I tend to be more edgy. Try to be more funny. More witty. And less "lost in thought."
I guess, when I write about my own life, what's the use of any of those attributes?
Of course, I speak of my last day of teaching: tomorrow. It'll be a chill day, filled without an attempt to run any semblance of a class, after all it is the last day of school. The last thing students will want to do is actually have class. I remember the feeling myself when I was their age. So it should be a fun filled day of games, songs, and for those classes who still are apathetic beyond belief, well, self study. I've decided self-study solves all problems.
And then after that, I'll be out of here. It's funny to think that in two days, I'll most likely set my eyes on this town for the absolute last time. Bar any sudden riches, or an absolute void of activities in my life, I really won't be coming back. I don't live in a beautiful town, there's nothing noteworthy to see here, but most importantly, I don't know anyone here. I've met a couple locals, but our friendship is so shallow and our "guanxi" non existent both parties know that at this stage, I won't be back.
I think it's pretty well understood that I haven't exactly embraced my experience here, and won't be spewing praises of it in the future. It was a good experience. I'm glad I came. It was tough, rough, a practice in learning to live in a rural area, and all the strife and joy that can come with being a teacher. Living on the inside of China as a whole, was an eye opening experience. But you don't need to have your eyes opened more than once.
That's the best way I can put it.
And now I need to turn my eyes ahead of me. I don't know what Hong Kong holds for me. I may be writing a Kung Fu script. I may be a teacher again. I may become a journalist.
Who knows. I definitely don't.
On a separate note, I've been thinking about how my voice for this blog is more subdued, more thoughtful. When I write facebook notes, xanga entries, or charged "editorials" I tend to be more edgy. Try to be more funny. More witty. And less "lost in thought."
I guess, when I write about my own life, what's the use of any of those attributes?
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Letter to the Editor
Dear Dan,
Hey, I know how you've been feeling lately. You're a grab bag of slight homesickness, mental tiredness, restlessness, and that twinge of hope that can't leave you. I know it's been rough, and I now how excited, and nervous you are to move on. Just wanted to write a couple things to your way. Remember I'm a bit tired and worn out myself, so this may come across as, well, straight up weird.
1. Never stop believing in yourself.
You're not perfect Dan, you know that. But if there's one flaw that's been hounding you lately it's your skill at appearing confident. You can look confident, you can ooze it. But you don't got it. Don't lie. It's good to step back and question yourself, but it's bad, bad to start thinking you're not capable. Everyone always has doubts about their skills. It's okay to doubt your creative element. It's okay to doubt your ability to write. It's okay to doubt your ability to act and perform in front of others. It's okay to doubt your ability to teach. It's okay to doubt yourself. But never let that actually stop you. Never let it cause you to stop believing that you are someone who can do good things.
2. Never stop being humble.
You're not perfect Dan, and you need to remember that. Take a second everyday and look around you. Look at the people all around you. Look at the immense scale that is nature that surrounds you. And then think of all the people you know around the world. Think of those big cities that house millions of people. And then think of those millions of small villages that house people you will never meet. And then remember that this blue planet is one of countless ones among the stars. You are not the center of the universe and never will be. You serve others. You have many things to learn, and many things to give. There is a time for each. Remember your place. Don't let false modesty become another fatal flaw.
3. Never stop working hard.
You want a lot of things Dan. But they aren't going to walk into your hands. You need to reach out and grab them. And chase them. And sweat for them. It doesn't matter if it's writing a story or saving somebody's life. If you want it, you gotta go get it.
So go Dan. Make everything count. Oh, how could I forget.
4. Never forget your friends.
It doesn't matter where they're from. Childhood, high school, church, college, college abroad, random other friends you've met, treasure them all. When they write you, write them back. And when they don't, write them anyway. Because you're blessed buddy. Look at your friends and never forget that.
And don't forget. I like you too. Or at least, I should. =D
your bud,
Dan
Hey, I know how you've been feeling lately. You're a grab bag of slight homesickness, mental tiredness, restlessness, and that twinge of hope that can't leave you. I know it's been rough, and I now how excited, and nervous you are to move on. Just wanted to write a couple things to your way. Remember I'm a bit tired and worn out myself, so this may come across as, well, straight up weird.
1. Never stop believing in yourself.
You're not perfect Dan, you know that. But if there's one flaw that's been hounding you lately it's your skill at appearing confident. You can look confident, you can ooze it. But you don't got it. Don't lie. It's good to step back and question yourself, but it's bad, bad to start thinking you're not capable. Everyone always has doubts about their skills. It's okay to doubt your creative element. It's okay to doubt your ability to write. It's okay to doubt your ability to act and perform in front of others. It's okay to doubt your ability to teach. It's okay to doubt yourself. But never let that actually stop you. Never let it cause you to stop believing that you are someone who can do good things.
2. Never stop being humble.
You're not perfect Dan, and you need to remember that. Take a second everyday and look around you. Look at the people all around you. Look at the immense scale that is nature that surrounds you. And then think of all the people you know around the world. Think of those big cities that house millions of people. And then think of those millions of small villages that house people you will never meet. And then remember that this blue planet is one of countless ones among the stars. You are not the center of the universe and never will be. You serve others. You have many things to learn, and many things to give. There is a time for each. Remember your place. Don't let false modesty become another fatal flaw.
3. Never stop working hard.
You want a lot of things Dan. But they aren't going to walk into your hands. You need to reach out and grab them. And chase them. And sweat for them. It doesn't matter if it's writing a story or saving somebody's life. If you want it, you gotta go get it.
So go Dan. Make everything count. Oh, how could I forget.
4. Never forget your friends.
It doesn't matter where they're from. Childhood, high school, church, college, college abroad, random other friends you've met, treasure them all. When they write you, write them back. And when they don't, write them anyway. Because you're blessed buddy. Look at your friends and never forget that.
And don't forget. I like you too. Or at least, I should. =D
your bud,
Dan
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