Was I Sick? Did I Cave?

I wasn't feeling too hot yesterday, but nothing to write home about. However, I started feeling worse today. Then, I had a meningitis shot, since there was an outbreak in this town a couple months ago. They said it might give me a fever. But I started feeling bad before it. Did it make it worse? Am I sick? Am I gonna die? Haha, I always jokingly ask myself what I would do if I could only live a life of only twenty something years. After all, some people really do only live that long, for various reasons.

I'm a little skeptical that I can handle being a teacher. I'm probably sick, if not from that shot, from over exhaustion. I'm tired everyday, sleep at least 8 hours, sometimes take a nap, and still, I come home with no energy. I walk about an hour everyday (40 minutes walking round trip from my apartment to my school), and teaching is extremely mentally taxing. Especially teaching a foreign language to a bunch of kids. It requires so much energy, and if they're not feeding back to me (which they're usually not), I leave dead. I originally thought I would get lots of writing done, but I have no energy at the end of the day I can't think, let alone write. It leaves me the weekends, and that's only sometimes, which is sad.

Maybe the fever is why yesterday and today, for the classes which I teach by myself*, I gave all of them a speech. I more or less ran a pseudo class, and somewhere near the end told them in Chinese:

Ok. We can either continue to have class like this, or we can seriously try to learn some English. It's up to you, I don't care.

On the one hand, for the most part, I seemed to connect with most of the students that usually don't give a rat's ass about me. On the other hand, I played the card of defeat:

Also, I know some of you have a hard test(*2) coming up, or would rather do something else. If you want to, listen to music, read a book, do homework for another class, fine. But be quiet. Okay?

My supervisor even told me to do this. "Ignore the people who don't pay attention but are quiet." But isn't that to admit defeat? Isn't that to betray the very ideal of motivating every student in one way or another?

Somewhere in my mind, whether because of all those "inspirational" teacher converts a failing class movies I've seen, other media, or simply my own false dreams of what a teacher should be, I sincerely believe that if I were a good teacher, I would plow through troublemakers, apathetic kids, and those that don't believe they can do it. I wouldn't make them fluent, but I would plant the seeds that would see them desiring to do better than they are now. I would make them see that they can be more than they are now.

So, did I toss in the towel? Did I give up, and let those who don't care(*3) off the hook?

And looking back on it, I was beginning to feel under the weather, so no wonder I mentally couldn't handle it as well as usual. And I know I'm an inexperienced teacher, trying to learn the ropes all the while fending off a billion disadvantages (I'm almost not exaggerating).

But the question still haunts me?

Did I fail?

By the way, I would appreciate any prayers for my health right now if that's your thing.

* - For some reason, the school decided my partner and I would teach the classes who's English is already good, together. The classes that suck and are unmanageable, only get one teacher. Their reasoning is that they want to spend their money (us) on their best students. It makes sense, but sometimes I wonder why they want us to teach these other classes then in the first place. Literally, they've practically given up on them.

*2 - They have this end all test along the line that more or less determines their future. It's as if your college admission were dependent on the SAT, and the SAT alone.

*3 - Some students don't care not because they don't want to improve, but because they know with this super test looming, they're better off working on subjects they can improve more in than English.