Idealism on Trial

Today I unconciously spit on the ground. I needed to. There was something in my throat and I had to get it out.

My first thought was, "Dan...did you really just do that? You've been in China for way too long."

And then I looked at where I spit: the base of a tree and some dirt. Clearly I also unconciously aimed for the tree instead of the concrete street.

"Nope, I'm definitely still American."

***

One of the major issues with teaching is it's ability to erode away any sense of idealism one might have. I don't necessarily consider myself to be the most optimistic person (which isn't to say I'm pessimistic), but I do carry in my mind a strong sense of idealism. And it has given me trouble.

Many of the kids I teach suffer from what I will call, Chinese English Education Syndrome. These kids have apparently learned that words such as koala, lazy, relationship, panda (to name a few), are more important than the ability to listen and understand a sentence, let alone actually construct one.

This means when I give directions for an activity, there are invariably a dozen students who don't understand me. The other day, I gave the class ten minutes to read a short paragraph and discuss it (it was more interesting than it sounds), but one boy couldn't even read it. Because I know not understanding in a language class leads to a downward spiral of unmotivation, I desparately tried to help him understand and make him feel like he could do it. And while at the end he did understand, I ended up neglecting the rest of the class.

That's 39 other students I left in the cold.

And so I leave the class thinking? Was it too difficult? Should I lower the level of my activities?

And of course, I can't. Because at least a third of class clearly understands. The amount of English skills in each class is so varied, it is impossible to plan an activity everyone understands. And those that fall behind, simply tune out or worse, cause more distraction. And even those that understand, often don't care.

I have no idea how to deal with this situation. I try to come up with activities that are easy to understand yet allow room for more advanced students to practice more. I want to help each student. I want to believe that I can change the mentality of those that lack motivation out of the false belief that they're incapable. I want to believe that if I'm creative enough, I'll hit the goldmine that will solve all my problems. My idealist mind tells me that if I'm a good teacher, I'll dig into my bag of magic tricks and whip up a miracle. But too often I'm left leaving the room thinking, I just can't do it.

Perhaps the problem isn't that I can't do it, but that I have an incredible number of other handicaps. To list them now would be too depressing, but perhaps when I need to rant I'll do so.

Let me just say this. My gauge on whether or not my class was successful was if I had fun or not, and whether I feel the class energized me with as much energy as I gave (and I have to give a lot.) Whether or not they learned anything, I have a hard time saying.

Teaching takes a lot of physical and mental energy out of you. And for someone that feeds on the energy of other people, to give a lot, and to be faced with either apathy or unfocused ruckus, I find myself exhausted more often than I'd like to admit.