Thriving on Adventure...or Insecurity?

I've always been a man of activity. Not necessarily action (I know full well my indecisiveness at times, I'm working on it), but definitely activity. I feel like, I also thrive on adventure, being in a place where I can discover new things daily, where there are routines, but not the dreaded feeling of "it's the same thing everyday."

Perhaps this is a severe weakness. After all, no matter where I live, inevitably the place will become familiar enough and everything will become mundane. Maybe I need to learn to appreciate more the things of "the same thing everyday."

I write this because soon, three organizations will soon tell me whether they believe I'm of caliber to be enrolled into their school. Well, I think it's soon. Sometimes you can never be sure. Nonetheless, my mind--to a mild degree--is aching to know my status. I want to know not so much because I really want to get in, but honestly, more so because I want to know what I might be doing after this China-stage of my life is over.

Don't take this as a "I can't wait to get out of here" feeling--though at times I feel that way. It's more of a, "5 more months really isn't that long of a time. What's next?"

What is next? It's a question that always bothers me. I'm slightly farsighted, which is something I always wondered if perhaps that affected my ability to think as well. I'm very good at looking at the long road ahead, and not very good at focusing on the things in front of me. This of course, means that when something does come up right in front of my face, I'm blindsided and confused and at a complete loss. No worries, I'm working on this too.

If I get into graduate school, I'm pretty sure I'll go. It'll be scary, but what job isn't? Every so often my desire to write dies (especially now given my lack of energy due to teaching), but when it comes back, my mind goes crazy, and usually when I hear/read/see a great story. I hope this doesn't mean I just like to copy and paste. Nonetheless, stories fascinate me more than anything, and I would love to tell one, especially through the medium of a film script one day. This route would definitely be an adventure, though one no doubt filled with restless nights, sweaty evenings, exhaustion, stress, pressure, fear, and constant self-doubt.

Should no school accept me, and even on the slight chance that one does, I've been entertaining the idea of finding a job in the oh so lovely Hong Kong. Hong Kong has become something of another home to me, and I find the prospect of living in Hong Kong again to be quite exciting. After all, Hong Kong has yet to become so familiar that there aren't new things to discover or find. This also provides me with the chance to try other careers, such as the personally hated finance sector (who knows, I may like it), social work, or other areas I may not have considered. It's also...risky. After all, like I said, Hong Kong isn't actually my home.

I realize both of these options are filled with risk, fear, misgivings, but lots of excitement as well. Is this what I enjoy? I can't say I necessarily love the idea of insecurity all the time, but perhaps that's what I need at this stage in life. I have no idea, and for some reason, having no idea and feeling lost and confused, is strangely...consoling.

I feel like ultimately my problem, is that I have such a low standard for my goal in life--all I really want to do is help people, yet I have such a high standard for a job--it must be exciting, adventurous, and not leave me feeling like I'm doing the same thing day in and day out.

The danger of idealism is getting lost in the clouds and staying in the land of fleeting dreams which have no possible chance of ever being grounded. And then, we lose hope when our dreams do not take off.

I know, and feel, I'm dangerously close, to falling off the edge of "getting lost in the clouds." That would be bad thing. I need to keep my goals for my life--job expectation included--in check of reality, while pushing its boundaries. To do otherwise would leave me with no hope in the end.

That would be a disaster. An unmitigated disaster.

Beyond Long Distance Blessings

I often wonder why I felt the need to create another blog.

I'm really suffering from exhaustion. I want to read, study Chinese, write, write, write, but I'm so tired after work that I have no mental energy. It's like, a constant pity party.

I spent a significant time on Facebook today, which is rather unusual for me I think. I looked at pictures of what old friends are doing now, read up on notes, did a little wall stalking, etc.

And for the first time, I felt really distant.

Not far away, in that I'm across the Pacific Ocean, but far away in that, I'm just in a different world and that we've all moved on.

And in some respects, this is probably true. The kid in me hates to admit it, but this is the world in which we live in. We grow up, and we all go our separate ways. We walk in tandem, but we walk along different paths.

Here I am in China being a teacher, while my friends are all over the world, running dolphin shows, becoming TV producers, working as graphic designers, studying to be lawyers, working alongside famous chef celebrities, studying medicine, trying to be a wedding photographer. And none of those people live in the same place. And that's only a handful.

It's interesting that at one point, all our paths crossed. We all met, got to know each other and walked with each other, only to again separate.

It's more so interesting, because once I start thinking about my friends, what they're doing, and how we only see each other maybe once every other month, I inevitably realize that the fact I can wonder about this for so long, says something about how extremely lucky I am.

I've been blessed with a lot of friends at every stage of my life (well, except here in China). I've always had lots of real, close friends in different circles: high school, church, all phases of college, studying abroad in Hong Kong.

I even went ahead and made a list of all my friends that I've kept close to over these years. It's really long. And interestingly enough, the list just gets longer. It never shortens.

I've learned that I trust that I'll make an effort to keep in touch with all my good friends. I should trust that my friends will do the same.

Was I Sick? Did I Cave?

I wasn't feeling too hot yesterday, but nothing to write home about. However, I started feeling worse today. Then, I had a meningitis shot, since there was an outbreak in this town a couple months ago. They said it might give me a fever. But I started feeling bad before it. Did it make it worse? Am I sick? Am I gonna die? Haha, I always jokingly ask myself what I would do if I could only live a life of only twenty something years. After all, some people really do only live that long, for various reasons.

I'm a little skeptical that I can handle being a teacher. I'm probably sick, if not from that shot, from over exhaustion. I'm tired everyday, sleep at least 8 hours, sometimes take a nap, and still, I come home with no energy. I walk about an hour everyday (40 minutes walking round trip from my apartment to my school), and teaching is extremely mentally taxing. Especially teaching a foreign language to a bunch of kids. It requires so much energy, and if they're not feeding back to me (which they're usually not), I leave dead. I originally thought I would get lots of writing done, but I have no energy at the end of the day I can't think, let alone write. It leaves me the weekends, and that's only sometimes, which is sad.

Maybe the fever is why yesterday and today, for the classes which I teach by myself*, I gave all of them a speech. I more or less ran a pseudo class, and somewhere near the end told them in Chinese:

Ok. We can either continue to have class like this, or we can seriously try to learn some English. It's up to you, I don't care.

On the one hand, for the most part, I seemed to connect with most of the students that usually don't give a rat's ass about me. On the other hand, I played the card of defeat:

Also, I know some of you have a hard test(*2) coming up, or would rather do something else. If you want to, listen to music, read a book, do homework for another class, fine. But be quiet. Okay?

My supervisor even told me to do this. "Ignore the people who don't pay attention but are quiet." But isn't that to admit defeat? Isn't that to betray the very ideal of motivating every student in one way or another?

Somewhere in my mind, whether because of all those "inspirational" teacher converts a failing class movies I've seen, other media, or simply my own false dreams of what a teacher should be, I sincerely believe that if I were a good teacher, I would plow through troublemakers, apathetic kids, and those that don't believe they can do it. I wouldn't make them fluent, but I would plant the seeds that would see them desiring to do better than they are now. I would make them see that they can be more than they are now.

So, did I toss in the towel? Did I give up, and let those who don't care(*3) off the hook?

And looking back on it, I was beginning to feel under the weather, so no wonder I mentally couldn't handle it as well as usual. And I know I'm an inexperienced teacher, trying to learn the ropes all the while fending off a billion disadvantages (I'm almost not exaggerating).

But the question still haunts me?

Did I fail?

By the way, I would appreciate any prayers for my health right now if that's your thing.

* - For some reason, the school decided my partner and I would teach the classes who's English is already good, together. The classes that suck and are unmanageable, only get one teacher. Their reasoning is that they want to spend their money (us) on their best students. It makes sense, but sometimes I wonder why they want us to teach these other classes then in the first place. Literally, they've practically given up on them.

*2 - They have this end all test along the line that more or less determines their future. It's as if your college admission were dependent on the SAT, and the SAT alone.

*3 - Some students don't care not because they don't want to improve, but because they know with this super test looming, they're better off working on subjects they can improve more in than English.

Idealism on Trial

Today I unconciously spit on the ground. I needed to. There was something in my throat and I had to get it out.

My first thought was, "Dan...did you really just do that? You've been in China for way too long."

And then I looked at where I spit: the base of a tree and some dirt. Clearly I also unconciously aimed for the tree instead of the concrete street.

"Nope, I'm definitely still American."

***

One of the major issues with teaching is it's ability to erode away any sense of idealism one might have. I don't necessarily consider myself to be the most optimistic person (which isn't to say I'm pessimistic), but I do carry in my mind a strong sense of idealism. And it has given me trouble.

Many of the kids I teach suffer from what I will call, Chinese English Education Syndrome. These kids have apparently learned that words such as koala, lazy, relationship, panda (to name a few), are more important than the ability to listen and understand a sentence, let alone actually construct one.

This means when I give directions for an activity, there are invariably a dozen students who don't understand me. The other day, I gave the class ten minutes to read a short paragraph and discuss it (it was more interesting than it sounds), but one boy couldn't even read it. Because I know not understanding in a language class leads to a downward spiral of unmotivation, I desparately tried to help him understand and make him feel like he could do it. And while at the end he did understand, I ended up neglecting the rest of the class.

That's 39 other students I left in the cold.

And so I leave the class thinking? Was it too difficult? Should I lower the level of my activities?

And of course, I can't. Because at least a third of class clearly understands. The amount of English skills in each class is so varied, it is impossible to plan an activity everyone understands. And those that fall behind, simply tune out or worse, cause more distraction. And even those that understand, often don't care.

I have no idea how to deal with this situation. I try to come up with activities that are easy to understand yet allow room for more advanced students to practice more. I want to help each student. I want to believe that I can change the mentality of those that lack motivation out of the false belief that they're incapable. I want to believe that if I'm creative enough, I'll hit the goldmine that will solve all my problems. My idealist mind tells me that if I'm a good teacher, I'll dig into my bag of magic tricks and whip up a miracle. But too often I'm left leaving the room thinking, I just can't do it.

Perhaps the problem isn't that I can't do it, but that I have an incredible number of other handicaps. To list them now would be too depressing, but perhaps when I need to rant I'll do so.

Let me just say this. My gauge on whether or not my class was successful was if I had fun or not, and whether I feel the class energized me with as much energy as I gave (and I have to give a lot.) Whether or not they learned anything, I have a hard time saying.

Teaching takes a lot of physical and mental energy out of you. And for someone that feeds on the energy of other people, to give a lot, and to be faced with either apathy or unfocused ruckus, I find myself exhausted more often than I'd like to admit.

Questions and Lovers

After a couple days last week, I was convinced Chinese kids have a limited bank of 3 questions they draw from:

-Why do you look Chinese?
-Do you like the NBA?
-Do you have a girlfriend?

I believe only one class failed to ask all three of these. And all three were met with "oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh" and "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh." And for those of you who know me rather well, I answered question #3 with a resounding "yes."

In fact, the story of how I met my girlfriend got more and more complex as the days went on. It went from:

-Yes, she's in America, not here, sorry.

to

-Yes. I met her in college, when I was 20. In America we have these huge rooms with 300 students, and one day this girl sat down next to me and spilled coffee on me. And that's how we met.

I wonder if they caught wind of my complexity, because ever since then their questions got even more complex too. Here's a nice sample, grammar corrected.

-What do you think about the Iraq war?
-What do you think about the relationship between America and China?
-When do you think we'll have robots in our houses?

But, my personal favorite.

-How many lovers do you have?

Chinese kids...

Across the Spectrum

I apologize for the lack of updates. My internet's been shakey for some reason.

I've only been teaching for a week, but I feel like I already have experienced the entire spectrum of emotional possibilities.

Every class I teach has their own, personality, of sorts. Unlike in the US, the students are divided by grade, and class--a level of sorts. And they have their own room, which they have nearly every single class in. The teachers change classrooms, not the other way around. But this has the aforementioned side effect: every class then bonds and develops a certain way of treating life. And let's just say, I've seen a lot. To name a few, I have the class who is:

-super excited about everything and wants to have fun.
-super obedient and energetic
-interested but not very skilled
-don't really care but will sort of do what you tell them.
-apathetic
-apathetic and gives me the "why the hell are you trying?" look.
-depressed because they know they can't succeed.

This last class, is a real downer. I don't actually teach the class (my partner does), but I've seen them. As I said, every class is sectioned off by grade and class. This particular one, has been labeled as the "loser" class. Their scores are so low, their academic proficiency so weak, they know, and probably have known, that there's no hope for them for getting into a university, especially since they're so close to taking their all important test that determines if they can get in or not. There's not much we can do. Time has simply run out.

This experience has definitely been very trying on my idealistic mindset.

I think that's enough "depression" for a day.