Departure Round Two

I'm sitting here on my computer in my uncle's flat/apartment in Hong Kong, wondering one simple thing:

What the hell was I thinking?

In about 12 hours I'll be once again jumping on a plane to China, and I can't stop asking myself, "why"? Why am I going to China? What is it that I wanted to accomplish? What did I want to give?

I don't really have the answers, and somehow I wonder...do I need them?

On the flight to Hong Kong, I felt this twinge of regret. It wasn't a regret that I was doing something somewhat adventurous, but more so a nervousness about giving up a relatively stable, yet for the most part uneventful life--a daily routine that I got used to. Which made me think, no wonder most people, once they get stuck in a job, stay there. We always talk about going off and taking risks and being adventurous and this and that. But when it really comes down to it, it takes a lot of courage to keep going in the face of risks, and in the face of all the self-doubt and questions we ask ourselves, let alone the questions others ask us.

And then there's pursuing your dreams. Dreams are scary things. They ask so much of you, require so much commitment, and in the end most dreams are fleeting--as they are in real life--because discovering your true passions is filled with countless "maybe"s, "almost"s, and "sort of but not really"s.

Do I really know what I'm doing? Do I really want to be a writer? Do I have the passion it takes to go through with it? Do I really want to spend my life running around rescuing people (which is really only a small chunk of the time)? Do I really want to sit in front of a classroom of kids who don't really respect me because they don't understand that teachers are real people? (I know I didn't.)

Should I be asking these questions?

This trip already has me asking if I'm ready for this "grown up" world. People have always labeled me as one of those "mature" people. And I always respond with, "I feel like a little kid." Not because I just want to run around and live in my own world, but because, to a degree of honesty, I sincerely feel like, I can't survive, in this grown up world.

But in the end, I just have to sit back, and tell myself...

Kid, just go. Go, do good, bring hope. Ask questions later. And keep doing these things until the questions become irrelevant.

Hong Kong, you've always been good to me. Now, it's time to try something different.